There are a lot of funny and ridiculous things in Mozart's lease. I was going to let the lease speak for itself, but I couldn't resist putting in a few comments (in red).

With a name like Mozart, I'm sure they are sophisticated and resonable.

I thought I was an adult by now, but apparently I still need to get my parents to cosign until I make monthly 5 times the rent. I think this is just to keep the "rifraff" out.

Like everything else in Pittsburgh, my building is named after Mary Schenley.

If you want to get your Pennsylvania Driver's License, don't try using this lease to confirm your address: an address isn't on here. And also don't bother asking Mozart for a document that contains your address for this purpose, they won't give you one.

I'm not sure why they have a blank here. They'd never allow it to be anything but "One Year".

Notice the missing day at the end of August...this missing day has kept me in this apartment 2 extra years. Now I'm going to pay rent on two places in August this year to move, but at least it will be over.

That's funny, they told me it was $767....

Wow, one screw-up and you have to pay the whole year at that time? I better keep that in mind.

Ah now I see. The extra $50 is not a late penalty, it's actually an on-time bonus! Thanks Mozart!

This building's too old to figure out who used what electricity. We don't even have grounded outlets yet.

Rent does not include the maintanence of the driveway leading to the One (1) parking space, which will quickly fall into disrepair and destroy the underside of your car. Manager will make no concessions for the 2 years you waited for a parking space after you were lied to about getting one when moving in.

Since you cannot pay in cash, you'll have to use another bad check to pay the $50.

Manager will not make a habit of notifying you when they are snooping in your or your cosigners business.

Customer should note that BROOM CLEAN is just an arbitrary term used here; it does not mean Manager will clean the apartment with a broom, it just means empty. Customer should expect filthy floors when moving in.

Your punishment for not keeping your apartment in a state that will cause it to be immediately rented is 150 days of Mozart barging in unannounced with potential customers in tow. You will allow these people to fall into the Mozart trap so that you can get some privacy finally.

Stay clear, they will exterminate the whole apartment.

Notice they say, "on the sink". This is because the kitchen has not one counter.

Customer should be aware that if he/she is confused and screws any of this up, Mozart will probably collect double rent for some of the following months.

Resonable Efforts is defined as showing prospective tenants all other properties first before showing them this one. If customer knows a friend or someone else who wants the apartment, manager will not necessarily show or offer the apartment to them upon them asking about it, to teach customer a lesson.

There should be no ambiguity about who to sue.

Manager accepts no obligation or liability with or without you buying insurace.

You'll have to be fine with Mozart's tacky decorations.

It's very nice of them to cap what they'll charge for an application at something so reasonable.

So if the 40 year old telephone wires happen to degrade during your lease, Mozart is off the hook for getting behind those concrete walls and you're responsible. By the way, just because the lease implies something, like your apartment has a telephone based door entry system, it doesn't mean you'll have it. The Schenley Arms is not equipped with such a system.

The smoke alarm going off every time you cook in your unventilated kichen is not a malfuction, I checked.

So unless I can train Fluffy to use that scuba suit, Mozart can come in when I'm not home, kill my cat, and charge me for it. But hey, it's in good faith and reasonable, right?

The children and infants have to be able to live underwater for at least an hour, though.

Manager is NOT expected to follow these rules, however.

Mozart employees actually have no power anyway, they always blame stupid policy on the elusive "owners", who you actually can't meet with or make contact with.

So for those 150 days that Mozart might be showing your apartment, make sure you are always presentable enough at all those times so you can open the door. When I was being shown apartments before I moved in, Mozart knocked and some guy clearly said "Just a minute...". The woman showing me the place immediately busted in and the guy was naked and screaming at her. I can't wait until that starts for me.

Customer is required to use the most inefficient and longest routes for moving.

And in buildings with no public elevator like the Schenley Arms, customer will use only the stairs. Sorry, did that clause make you believe you had access to an elevator?

That would make it very difficult for Mozart to come in unannounced.

This includes that Brita thing that attaches to the faucet.

By decorative we mean dirty.

Customer should expect maintenance to come in unannounced and replace all the working fuses with ones that spark and sizzle and get extremely hot. When customer complains about them, he will be made to feel stupid that he's had a problem.

This rule does not apply to the luxury loft with the private elevator. He will be permitted to have a recording studio and to have loud "music"/bass playing at all times.

What a deal! I can pay monthly for key copies, instead of once for 2 dollars!

Because everyone plans for everything six months in advance.

It's so extreme, we can even write the full extent here.

Falling Masonry?

Customer, on the other hand, cannot change the parking spot. Even if the car is stolen, customer will pay the parking fee until the end of the lease. Manager has the right to keep a spot open when current tenants are on the waiting list for a spot to attract prospective new tenants.

They're just trying to make you feel at home...

If customer's trunk is broken into, and he backs in to protect his car, manager will threaten to tow customer's car and ignore his pleas.

If there is such a leak, you can't change your spot anyway, so just live with it.

If customer signs a waiver for this "service", manager will lose the waiver and call customer many times asking for information about his vehicle. Manger's employees will not communicate that he has signed a waiver to anyone else and they will continue to call regularly.

Those garage door openers from 1980 are really hard to come by these days.

It's like, you're leaving them something to remember you by.

Actually this is the one point that Mozart is pretty good about.

It's no worse than the regular Pittsburgh air.

After school gets out around 3pm, the entryway of your building will also not be smoke free until the kids' parents pick them up.

Customer should run the water frequently enough so he/she cannot tell that the water comes out brown.

I'm sure this clause is for the protection of the tenant.

I guess they are worried some things here are not legal?

Manager will not take responsibility for much of anything, in fact.

Makes it easier to start the litigation process.

This agreement is an an acceptance of defeat by the customer. He/She was unable to add any clauses to the lease, modify anything, or find a nice apartment anywhere with a reasonable landlord.

I'm no lawyer, but this one wins the Most Likely to be Illegal award.

Please sign in blood.